What Trauma-Informed Therapy Actually Looks Like in Session
Most of us understand the idea of boundaries. We hear that they are important in healthy relationships, that we should communicate our needs and that it is okay to say no. On paper, it sounds straightforward. In reality, setting a boundary can feel surprisingly difficult, especially when you care deeply about the person on the other side.
You might know you don’t want to do something, but still find yourself agreeing. You might need some time alone but feel guilty asking for it. You might want to tell your partner that something is making you uncomfortable, but worry that they will take it personally. And when it comes to sex and intimacy, those feelings can become even more complicated because there are often so many expectations, emotions and vulnerabilities involved.
Sometimes the difficulty isn’t knowing where your boundary is. It is dealing with everything you feel when you try to communicate it.
For some people, saying no immediately brings up guilt. Others worry about disappointing someone, creating conflict or being seen as selfish. You might even find yourself questioning whether your boundary is reasonable in the first place. If the other person is upset, you may assume that you have done something wrong.
But feeling uncomfortable does not necessarily mean that your boundary is wrong.
Where does that discomfort come from?
The way we approach boundaries is often shaped long before we enter our adult relationships. Our families, friendships, previous relationships and experiences can all influence what we learn about having needs and expressing them.
Maybe you grew up in an environment where keeping the peace was important. Perhaps you learned that being helpful, agreeable or easy-going was a good thing, while expressing anger or disagreement created tension. You may have become very aware of other people’s moods and learned to adjust yourself accordingly.
Over time, this can become almost automatic. You notice when someone else is unhappy before you notice that you are uncomfortable. You think about what someone else might need before asking yourself what you need. You say, “It’s fine,” because explaining that it isn’t fine feels like more effort, or more conflict, than simply going along with things.
None of this necessarily means that you are consciously choosing to ignore yourself. Often, these patterns develop because they once helped you navigate relationships or situations that felt difficult.
The problem is that something that once helped you cope may not always serve you in your relationships today.
A boundary is not the same as rejection
This can be particularly important when we talk about sex.
Saying no to sex can sometimes feel like saying no to your partner as a person. You may worry that they will hear, “I don’t want you,” when what you actually mean is, “I don’t want sex right now.”
Those are very different messages.
You can love your partner and not want sex. You can be attracted to someone and still not want to be touched at a particular moment. You can enjoy sex and still have things you do not want to do. You can change your mind halfway through. You can want closeness without wanting sexual intimacy.
A boundary lets you communicate those differences.
Healthy intimacy requires space for both people’s experiences. Your partner is allowed to want something, and you are allowed not to. A boundary doesn’t automatically mean there is a problem in the relationship.
Sometimes it simply means that two people are having two different experiences at the same time.
Why does saying no sometimes feel worse than saying yes?
One reason can be that we have become accustomed to managing other people’s feelings.
If you know that your partner will be disappointed when you say no, you might decide that it is easier to say yes. If you know that a friend will be upset when you cancel plans, you might go even though you are exhausted. If you know that someone will react badly when you disagree with them, you might keep quiet.
In the short term, saying yes can feel easier.
You avoid awkward conversation. You avoid seeing someone disappointed. You avoid the possibility of conflict.
But repeatedly overriding yourself can have a longer-term cost. You may become resentful, disconnected or exhausted. In relationships, this can eventually affect emotional and sexual intimacy because it becomes difficult to feel genuinely connected when you are constantly trying to manage the other person’s experience.
This is one reason boundaries aren’t simply about saying no. They are also about being honest enough to allow the relationship to respond to what is actually happening.
Guilt doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve done something wrong
One of the most difficult parts of developing boundaries is learning to separate guilt from wrongdoing.
If you are used to putting other people’s needs first, communicating your own needs may initially feel selfish. You may feel guilty for asking for space. You may feel guilty for turning down sex. You may feel guilty for saying that something hurt you.
But guilt is an emotion, not necessarily a verdict.
Sometimes guilt appears because you are doing something unfamiliar.
If you have spent years saying yes when you mean no, the first few times you start saying no may feel uncomfortable. Your mind may tell you that you are being difficult, even when you are communicating a completely reasonable need.
That is why boundary-setting takes practice. You are not necessarily trying to eliminate the uncomfortable feeling immediately. You are learning that you can experience the discomfort without automatically abandoning your boundary to make it disappear.
You are allowed to disappoint someone.
This can be hard to accept, especially if you naturally want to keep other people happy.
When you communicate a boundary, the other person may be disappointed. They may not understand it immediately. They may have feelings about it.
That does not automatically mean you have done something wrong.
In a healthy relationship, people are allowed to have feelings about each other’s boundaries. What matters is how you handle those feelings.
There is a difference between someone saying, “I’m disappointed because I was looking forward to spending time together,” and someone making you feel guilty until you change your mind.
There is a difference between a partner asking, “Can we talk about this?” and someone repeatedly ignoring your no.
Respecting boundaries doesn’t mean nobody ever feels disappointed. It means disappointment does not become a reason to take away someone else’s right to choose.
Boundaries are not about controlling other people.
It is also worth remembering that a boundary is not a demand that another person behave exactly as you want them to.
A boundary is about understanding your own limits and communicating them clearly.
For example, there is a difference between saying, “You are not allowed to be angry with me,” and saying, “I’m willing to talk about this, but I don’t want to continue the conversation while we’re shouting at each other.”
One tries to control the other person’s behaviour. The other communicates what you are willing to participate in.
The same applies to intimacy. You cannot control whether your partner wants sex, but you can communicate what you are comfortable with. You cannot control how they feel about your decision, but you can decide what you are willing to do with your own body.
That distinction can make boundaries feel much clearer.
What happens when you start listening to yourself?
For many people, learning to set boundaries also means learning to recognise their own needs.
This can be surprisingly unfamiliar.
What do I actually want? What am I comfortable with? What makes me feel connected? What makes me withdraw? Am I saying yes because I genuinely want to, or because I am worried about what will happen if I say no?
These questions can be particularly important in relationships because it is easy to become so focused on keeping the relationship happy that you lose touch with your own experience.
Listening to yourself doesn’t mean becoming selfish or putting your needs above everyone else’s. It means recognising that your needs belong in the relationship too.
In fact, clearer boundaries can often create more genuine intimacy. When you know you can say no, your yes can come from genuine choice rather than obligation. When you can tell your partner something isn’t working for you, you can address it instead of carrying it quietly.
It is okay if boundaries still feel uncomfortable.
Setting boundaries does not mean you will suddenly become someone who feels completely confident saying no.
You may still feel nervous. You may still worry about disappointing someone. You may still experience guilt afterwards.
The goal isn’t necessarily to make those feelings disappear. It is to become more comfortable with them without letting them make every decision for you.
You can care about someone and still have limits. You can love your partner and not want sex. You can want closeness and still need space. You can listen to someone else’s feelings without taking responsibility for making sure they never feel disappointed.
If setting boundaries feels particularly difficult, it can help to explore why.
Sometimes long-standing patterns underlie our difficulty saying no, and understanding them can make it easier to respond differently.
Therapy can provide a space to explore those patterns without judgement, particularly when boundaries, relationships, intimacy and sexuality have become difficult to navigate on your own.
You don’t need to become less caring to have healthier boundaries. Sometimes the work is simply learning that you are allowed to care about someone else without disappearing from the relationship yourself.
Leanne Steyn
Need support? The Society of Sexual Health offers confidential online sexology and relationship therapy. Useful next steps: confidential therapy support.
